Worth the Wait.

Posted on February 24, 2014 by Meredith Bernard under Daily Walk, Faith

I sat in that scratchy blue seat at the airport with a mindful of hopes and dreams as deep and wide as the blue sky and snow covered tarmac that stretched out before me. I had interviewed well…I thought. Really seemed to connect with my interviewers…I thought. Had a chance…I thought. One of three people to be flown to Kansas City to interview, I knew my chances were at least better than one in a million. One in three to be exact. Surely God was lining all of this up in my favor…I thought.

I prayed diligently before flying out for the interview. I enlisted other prayer warriors in my life to pray diligently. I did not want this job, if God didn’t want me to have it…I thought. My specific prayer was that I would not get a job offer if God didn’t want me in the position. This was my fool proof attempt at not having to make the decision myself. Never sure of my own abilities to make a decision. It was the simplest way I could see my way out of this. Or my way into this.

A lot hung in the balance. We had one child, not sure if we wanted another. This job would be much more pay and I could already see the addition to the house I had been dreaming of. If not a new house altogether. That stack of dog-eared Log Home Living magazines were going to come in handy after all…I thought. This job would also mean much more time on the road and away from my family. But my husband was ready for the call…I thought.

Well, God did answer my prayer. Just as I had asked Him to. I didn’t get a job offer. He did exactly what I had asked him to do. Not give me a choice. He made the decision for me. This was what I wanted.

But it was not what I wanted. I wanted the job offer.

Even though I said I was “fine” with it…I wanted the job. I wanted the money. I wanted the prestige. I wanted the job. But I didn’t get it.

And because I didn’t get that job, I stayed in my previous job. And a year later I got an unexpected bonus, when nobody was getting bonuses. And God gave me repeated opportunities through that job to connect with people and share His Gospel. People I would have never had the opportunity to meet had I taken that other job.

The other job would have also brought many temptations that I would have had to stand up against. I see that now. I see a lot now that at the time I didn’t see through the veil of “want.”

And because I didn’t get that job, a year later our family expanded with the birth of our baby girl. Which undoubtedly wouldn’t have happened if I had gotten the offer…and accepted the other job. And I would have. Because in my gut I wanted it that bad.

And to look back now and realize I would have traded her life for a job that would have taken me further from my family, and from my God…makes me weep. Weep for who I was then. And who I am now. And how blessed I am that God made that decision for me.

I could name many other instances in my life that didn’t happen the way I wanted them to, but looking back, I see God’s hand in them. And I’m beyond grateful for His provision and protection, despite my wants and perceived needs at the time.

Some things in life are truly worth the wait. Worth the heartache. Worth the gut-wrenching-soul-twisting-knot-producing wait.

In the end, God knows. He knows what we need. He knows when we need it. He sees the big picture. We do not. We can not.

He saw me five years ago sitting in front of my computer and typing these words today.

He knew I was not ready to tell a story that I didn’t fully understand.

He used my tenure in my last job to prepare me for this day. All those quiet hours and tear-filled talks with one another rolling down the highway alone together. There were so many sweet moments in the cab of that Ford truck that I wouldn’t take back for anything.

And now I get to be a mom. And a truth-teller through my lens and my pen.

And I’m in awe of my Mighty God that’s allowed it all to come to pass. And in awe of what He is making me into today. And tomorrow. And how ever many days I have left.

And to Him I give it all. My life. My family. My heart.

He’s the only One worth giving it to. I see that now. I feel that now. I know that now.

And I have a long way to go…such a long way to go. But I’m on my way.

What awaits me at the end of this journey is going to be worth the wait.

Worth the blood, sweat and tears it takes to get there. Worth the doubts and frustrations and fears along the way.

Worth the uncertainty. Worth the lows. Worth the highs. Worth the mountaintops and the valleys.

Worth the fights and struggles…with myself. Worth the fights and struggles…with God.

I’ll wrestle more. With my decisions, with my faith, with my existence. But in the end, my God will win. He always does.

I’ll continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling, but I’ll be working it out.

If we belong to Him, there is no way He will not win. His ways will always supersede our ways. His will will always trump our will.

In the end…His end…will be worth the wait.

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Graciously waiting,
Meredith

Crying in the Schoolhouse. | Part 2 of Putting Doubt to Death.

Posted on February 20, 2014 by Meredith Bernard under Daily Walk, Faith, Sin Life

I broke down this morning. Not the ugly cry, but tears none-the-less. On that blue carpet, standing next to that podium with the February calendar full of hearts and numbers and report card dates, outside my son’s Kindergarten class, talking to his teacher.

Sometimes the tears just come. I can’t stop them and I don’t even know where or why they show up.

Well, maybe I do. They come from doubt. My own doubt as a mother and a wife and a daughter to the One and only King of Kings.

I’m supposed to be able to do this. I’m supposed to be a good wife and a good mother and a good daughter.

But a lot of days I’m not. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I doubt my abilities. I doubt my inabilites. I just doubt.

I fear I’m going to mess something or someone up. Maybe I already have. I am. Today.

This morning when my son wanted me to see something outside and I didn’t get there fast enough and then he slammed the door and went in the corner and wouldn’t speak to me. Sulled up like a turtle tucked in its shell. Hiding. Not speaking to me.

And I got mad. And I grabbed his arms and asked him “What is wrong with you? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? SPEAK TO ME!” Nothing. I got nothing.

Then we went to school and he was fine. And I was not. So I cried right there in the door and I’m crying now.

His teacher was encouraging. She told me I was going to be ok. He was going to be ok. It was phase and there would be 25 more. I had to stand my ground and not be disrespected. True. I’m going to try something different next time. And there will be a next time. There will probably even be another morning of tears in the schoolhouse hall. There has been before. There will be again.

And next year as I try to maneuver this homeschool thing and I’m doubting myself and others are doubting me, I will cry some more.

But I’m doing the best. I. can. with what I know I’ve been called to do. That’s one thing I don’t doubt. Won’t let myself doubt.

I’ll dig in deeper to the Word and suck every bit of doubt-destroying TRUTH I can out of that Good book.

I’ll pray until my knees hurt and then pray some more.

I’ll seek encouragement from those who will give it to me and try my best to stay away from those that won’t.

That’s all I know to do. That’s all this simple-minded, weak in spirit, needy soul can do.

In chewing the fat of doubt this week, I’ve come to realize just how much doubt I’ve been shoveling recently and how many dump truck loads I’ve deposited throughout my life. How I would love to have that back. And in my drive right now. We are a muddy mess on this farm.

In many ways, we are a muddy mess.

I used to doubt my abilities as a speaker when I had to get in front of a hundred people and talk about the innards of a horse or a cow and how they digested food. The more appropriate and professional description would be “equine or bovine nutrition”…but I was talking about the innards of the animal.

I was fine talking, but the fear, the doubt would settle at the end when it was time for questions. What a dread that would bring.

I’m perfectly fine telling you what I need to tell you based on a presentation I have put together and practiced (usually not enough, but enough to get by…always just getting by.)

But get to the end of my talk and open the floor to questions…unscripted questions to which I don’t have an answer key … and you have entered my area of complete doubt. And the sweat would flow. Literally. Not pretty.

If you need to ask me something, send me an email or at least leave plenty of information about what you are wanting in a voicemail. I want to be prepared with the correct answer.

I do not want to be left to walk the plank and take the plunge into the shark infested waters because I said the wrong thing, or worse yet, had no answer.

I’ve always admitted I don’t know a lot about anything, just a little about a lot. And I’ve always been better at getting my thoughts out via pen, than through these flapping jaws, as my friend says.

The words would from time to time get all jumbled up in front of a crowd. I’d forget words I’ve known since kindergarten and then college level words would come to mind, but I wasn’t sure I was using them in the right context. It was a dilemma for a girl like me.

I would doubt I could make it through the meeting without doing something dumb like falling or tripping…up the stairs (been known to happen.)

Doubt I could eat supper before my talk and not go into a major burp fest in the middle of my talk (been known to happen.)

Doubt my projector would work and I’d be forced to talk for 30 minutes without my slides (been known to happen.)

So, in many instances, maybe we are tempted to doubt so much because we’ve let ourselves down before. Or others have let us down. Been known to happen. To. us. all.

That’s the crazy thing about doubt. We tend to think we are the “only ones.” We see ourselves as an island. And sometimes we are. But most of the time, we are just one fish in a great big pond with lots of other fish swimming in circles. Fighting the same battles. The same doubts.

Doubt is really suffocating, is it not?

Under the weight of unbelief, we can’t see, hear or feel truth.

A life filled with doubt, is a life void of truth.

We are blind to what is right in front of our eyes. We are deaf to what is in ear shot. We are numb to what is fully within reach.

Sometimes it’s easier to live in doubt than to strive to understand and grasp truth.

It’s easier to say “I can’t.” “You can’t.” “He can’t.”

That’s such a cop out. Yes, I said that’s a cop out. I’ve said all of those before, too. And if I haven’t said them in a given situation, I’ve thought them.

Another of my farmer man’s one-liners is “Can’t never could.”

That’s simple enough. Even this dumb, doubting blonde can understand that one.

If I don’t think I can and I never try…I never will.

If I don’t believe my God can do what I need Him to do or what He says He will and can do…why should He? If it happens, He’s not going to get the glory for it anyway. I’ll just say that was coincidence or luck.

I don’t believe in coincidence or luck. I believe in God. You can’t honestly believe in both. Luck and God don’t gee and haw. There’s a mule term for you from a professional mule lip blower.

They don’t go together.

In Him is all things.

In Him is my security. My worth. Isn’t that what this is really all about? Realizing our WORTH?

I think so. And I’m going to hash that out a bit next time.

For now, if you find yourself in anything I’ve said today about doubt, remember we are all in this together.

I doubt I’m alone. And I KNOW you are not alone.

Take heart. Take a deep breath. Or ten. They always say take ten deep breaths, don’t “they?” Who are “they” anyway? Though, it does to seem help, some. 😉

Trust in the One who gives LIFE and the only ONE who can take your doubt away.

And MORE than that…He can turn our doubt into double blessings. By trusting Jesus with our doubts and remembering who we are IN HIM, we can live fully. right. where. we. are.

His GRACE will always be JUST ENOUGH to cover our own insecurities and our doubts and temptations.

If we can just learn to TRUST. And put some doubt to death.

Trusting the Truth leaves no room for Doubt.

Go in Grace today. Cry a river if you need to. No judging here. Just a tissue and a shoulder. 😉

Graciously,
Meredith

Putting Doubt to Death. | Part 1

Posted on February 19, 2014 by Meredith Bernard under Daily Walk, Faith, Sin Life

Max Lucado said if there was one thing he could go back and tell himself when he first started his writing and preaching career it would be “to prepare for self-doubt.”

Listening to this well-versed, highly successful author and lead pastor of 30+ years admit that he continues to deal with doubt was an eye-opener. A game-changer. A needed shot of reality.

Really? That’s the one thing you would tell yourself. Interesting. I don’t struggle with that. Not so much.

Wait. Yes, I do. This was a WORD for me and maybe it will be a WORD for you.

This one little five letter word that I believe we do not give enough thought. Enough respect for the weight it holds.

Wrapped tightly in a shroud of insecurity and unbelief and even arrogance. That word doubt.

We all doubt something.
Doubt someone.
Doubt everyone.
Doubt everything.

We doubt ourselves.
We doubt our spouse.
We doubt our children.
We doubt our neighbor.

We doubt God.

He may not be considered God to everyone, but we ALL doubt Him at some point.

Doubt His existence.
Doubt His ability.
Doubt His love.

And then there is that one lie that led to that one word. Doubt.

In the garden Adam and Eve chose doubt…over God. Evil over Good. And God loved them and loves us enough to allow us the ability to choose.

They chose to believe the lie that maybe they were missing something.

Maybe they actually could be like God…forgetting they already were.

Oh, how we so easily fall into the same trap and follow in the same ill-gotten footsteps of these two who had the perfect life.

And because of doubt…gave it all up. For death. And as soon as the choice had been made, they regretted it. Wished they could take it back. Take back the doubt that now filled their once pure and innocent and full-of-Life hearts.

Now nothing. No peace. No joy. No afternoon strolls with their Creator in perfect harmony. All because they doubted their existence and chose what was “a delight to the eyes” and what would “seem to make one wise.”

Isn’t that the way it always is? The grass is always greener. Yep, been there and done that. Like a mirage of sorts…the closer you get, the better it looks until you actually take that step and in an instant you wish you never had.

Wished you had followed your gut that told you it was too good to be true.

Wished you could take back that initial doubt and go another way. The other way. Any way but where you find yourself now. In this dead place.

No green in sight. Where did it go? It was just here.

We never have just enough to be satisfied and so when the temptation is laid bare, we can’t help ourselves.

We. must. try. it. We must doubt our own reality. Our own existence.

I guess it really is in our nature to doubt. In our flesh, Adam and Eve born, nature.

But that doesn’t make it right or good or healthy. It just makes us real. Real human.

So, that’s where doubt starts. As a seed. Not even necessarily planted deep…it doesn’t need much water to grow. Just a touch. Just an inclination. Just a hint of sunlight to spur it on.

Likes those first weeds of spring in my plant bed, that doubt is. Doesn’t take anything much to get them growing, but once they start, it takes all of heaven and hell to get them killed. And there are always a few left that I miss and they grow more. I can never get rid of all those weeds. Try as I might, I can never kill them all.

And I may never be able to kill all the doubt in my life. Not until I’m perfectly perfect and right now I’m perfectly imperfect.

So I’ll keep hashing this doubt thing out. And I hope you’ll hash it out with me some more. It needs to be put to death. As much as we possibly can. Only when we start to kill the seeds before they sprout, will we ever start to live fully.

Graciously,
Meredith